In October of 1986, news anchor Dan Rather was walking alone down Park Avenue when he was attacked from behind by a man who repeatedly demanded, "What is the frequency, Kenneth?" Despite physical evidence of his having been kicked and pummeled, and in contradiction of the eyewitness reports of the doorman and the building supervisor who rescued him, many doubted the truthfulness of Rather's story. He was, and continues to be, riotously mocked for having been the victim of a crime that has occurred to thousands of residents of New York, an experience once so ubiquitous that one could not be considered a true New Yorker without having experienced it.
Mockeration was nothing new to Rather. Earlier in 1986, searching for a catchy signoff for his CBS news broadcast, Rather had begun to use the simple phrase, "Courage." This lasted exactly one week before he abandoned it in the face of an onslaught of derision and parody. Rather further upped his reputation as an egomaniacal eccentric in 1987 when he walked away from the studio in a pique over having his newscast delayed when a U.S. Open tennis match ran long. CBS broadcast dead air for six minutes.
Rather later apologized for abandoning his anchor desk, but we at FBD have long doubted his sincerity. Rather was upset, not because that evening's edition of the national news did not start precisely at 6:30 EST, but because it was delayed due to an overlong sports entertainment show. If his sign-on had been delayed because Harry Reasoner's interview with Fidel Castro had run into overtime, we expect that Rather would have waited patiently at his post. But tennis? Tennis? Given all of the important events that occurred that day in 1987? And a broadcast time that already included only 22 minutes of news? This Rather could not abide. Because for all of his flaws, Rather saw himself as the epitome of professionalism.
As you can see, we at FBD have been organizing our thoughts about Daniel Irvin Rather and we have come to the possibly surprising conclusion that, while he may have sourced more late-night comedic material than anybody since Gerald Ford first hooked a golf ball, Mr. Rather is not, in fact, a buffoon. In reality, Mr. Rather is quite the opposite, a man of vision and common sense, a man whose pronouncements should be heeded and recorded for posterity. We came to this realization one morning in February as we sweated our way down the street, overdressed in our warmest winter coat, a thick sweater, leather gloves and a rather large hat. All this on a sunny morning when a lightweight jacket, a wool shirt, no gloves and no hat would have served quite nicely. As we unzipped our coat, shoved our gloves into our pockets, tried to find a place to stash that hat, and felt a rivulet of sweat running down our back, we thought to ourselves, "Dan Rather was right." Because he predicted this would happen. Although he has never met us, Dan Rather knew that we would end up sweaty and sticky on our way to the office.
Dan Rather made that prediction some time ago during a short interview with commentator/comedian Bill Maher. While he did not directly use the words, "You will overdress on a morning that is actually somewhat temperate for early February," we now realize that is what he meant when he bluntly stated that the era of responsible television journalism ended the day CBS placed its News Division under the auspices of its Entertainment Division. Because from that moment forward, what mattered most was not obtainment of correct facts or coverage of the most import issues, but numbers of eyeballs and increasing ad rates. As Author Unknown once said, when you want to move your numbers, do not sell the steak, sell the sizzle. Which is exactly what the CBS Entertainment Division was good at. And as goes CBS News, so goes the rest.
When you are the morning weatherman on a local television station, the steak is the fact that the current temperature is 30 degrees Fahrenheit, climbing to an afternoon high of 38, with a 10% chance of precipitation, meaning light snow flurries with no accumulation. But the sizzle? Ahh, the sizzle. That sizzle is westerly winds gusting to 20 miles per hour, bringing the wind chill factor down to 10 degrees, Bitterly Cold. In fact, not just Bitterly Cold, but Dangerous Temperatures!! Dangerous! Bundle up and do not venture outside unless you have to. And if you do go out, make sure that no skin is left exposed, because Frostbite can occur at these temperatures and Frostbite can be Dangerous! And it can occur quickly, in as little as three minutes, so Be Safe! And that storm system, well, we are keeping an eye on that for you, my friend. A storm can change course, it can increase in intensity, who knows what might it might do. But be assured, we are watching it and if something happens We Will Report it Here First!
And the sizzle does not stop in the studio, oh no, it does not. The sizzle extends into the street, where intrepid reporters position themselves, microphones in hand, valiantly securing soundbites from the bold souls who pass by. "Why are you out this morning? Did you have to go to work today?" "Are you from this area? You must be Canadian, eh?" "You sure are brave coming out today, didn't you hear that we have forecast Dangerous-Temperatures-Possibly-Leading-to-Frostbite!?!" It extends to the parking lots of our Home Depots and Lowes, where cameramen obtain Live-Footage-of-Shoppers-Purchasing-Shovels-and Rock-Salt. And what is this? Why it is a press conference with Our Mayor and the Head of the Department of Sanitation telling us that The City is Prepared, our Ploughs are Standing By. In some communities, the sizzle extends to the oceans and beaches, where there are Waves. Waves that just might cause Coastal Warnings if Conditions Require. But stay calm, John Q. Reporter is on the scene and he'll let us know if anything washes ashore.
And, this way to the egress, it does not matter if what they report is right or wrong. Because the arc of the story bends back upon itself, a Möbius strip, and the error itself becomes the news. "How the Nor'easter Changed Course, Sparing the City." The sizzle has transmogrified. We no longer fear Frostbite, we are gasping with relief, having barely Dodged A Bullet. Whew, wasn't that fun? Let's do it again.
We at FireBreathing Dragon were fortunate to have seen one of the truly great moments in local news when The Reporter on the Scene, having spent all morning Reporting Live from the Home Depot parking lot about the Impending Blizzard, stopped a motorist and the following dialogue ensued through the driver's window:
Reporter: Are you here to stock up on supplies before the storm?
Driver: Your newscast said it could be a record snowfall. I need a shovel, but I've been driving in circles for 40 minutes looking for a parking spot.
Reporter: Are you aware, Sir, that The Blizzard has been cancelled?
Driver: What? Cancelled? [redacted] you.
How any of this helps us to prepare for the weather conditions outside, we do not know. As we at FBD have acknowledged before, we are but a simple folk. But we do recognize that the moment when the frustrated driver, having wasted his day chasing down a shovel that he did not need, told the Reporter to go screw himself, well, that was entertaining.
Entertaining, yes, but useful, no. Because in the morning, when we are dressing for work and we check the weather forecast, not knowing which coat to wear, the sizzle does not help. We want our steak, served plain on a plate, thank you very much. We will appreciate the theatrics later. We do not much enjoy walking down the street, having bought into the hype and layered-up, feeling as hot as August when it is only February. And we have to believe that if only Dan Rather would agree to accept a gig as our local weatherman, this would never happen.
